Friday, March 5, 2010

The Queen as housewife

I am not a house keeper, not at all, wasn't born to it, can't understand the logic of it, basically hate it. And I live out in boondocks central where we have visitors (not counting my loyal jewelry making coven and the misguided JW) maybe once a year. The odds of me having a 'dinner party' are about the same as Howard Stern for President. I am not lazy I just don't care. People come because they want to see me, if you come to see the house, make an appointment.
So I am going to rant a bit about housework as it applies to me.
1) I don't wash junk...I don't keep cool whip bowls, butter tubs or plastic forks. There probably should be a land fill named after me, but I just don't do it.
2) Dogs shed, get over it...
3) Laundry will be done as soon as I get to it...My mother had a laundry day that stretched into the night, but she was using a wringer and various tubs of water...I got a machine.
4) Anything is better than is a boring, thankless job that is never done. No one cares unless its not done and I don't care either way.
5) Cooking is fun on TV...when there are people to shop, chop and wash. There are people who enjoy the process but for me its like watching a person slowly unravel an Afghan and leaving the yarn on the floor.
6) Fabreeze is a miracle and should be listed in the nation register.
7) Washing the dishes is a part of cooking...and while I hate it, they must be done as soon as possible...if only to avoid the whole egg yolk as cement thing and the 'where did these little flys come from' conversation. My solutions: exchange students.
8) Don't put it down, put it away! Gawd, I need that tattooed across my forehead.
9) I understand the whole dusting thing, just not the point.
10) If someone in my house leaves some schmuge in the drain there is a good possibility it will be on their plate at dinner time...same goes for undies, chewing gum and tissues.
11) Craft supplies, books in neat piles and anything in antique ball jars are there for 'effect' and are exempt from the cleaning process. Old mail, 3 week old newspapers and teenage fashion magazines are considered trash 24 hours after I tell you to move them.
12). Don't expect much and you wont be disappointed.
My house will never be sparkling clean, it will never be listed in 'Log Home' Magazine or be used as an example of also wont be on "how clean is your house' or 'Hoarders", its comfortable and relaxing and that's exactly what I was hoping for.

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