Saturday, March 10, 2012

The good old days?

I have been thinking a lot about my childhood lately. Not sure if it was the death of Davy Jones or the fact that its March and I always get melancholy in this terrible month. But it does seem like life is so much different than when I was a kid.

At the risk of yet another 'YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN' post things are changing and not so much for the better.

When I was a kid we visited with relatives...not email, skype, facebook, or IM'd them. On Sundays Dad would pile us in the car and we would go to play softball or watch the older cousins fix their hot rods, sneak rhubarb and cherry tomatoes during the hot summer days or read 16 magazines debating Beatles vs Monkees.

And our parents knew the names of the cashiers at the grocery store, the mailman, the milk man(yes I am that old) the local police and the guy that pumped your gas.

You met your neighbors because you were hanging your laundry on a line or your pigs got loose. The paper printed who was in the hospital as well as who was cited for drunk driving...again. Party lines were standard so you had some respect for others privacy (or learned to be very, very quiet). Doctors still made house calls and the local pharmacist would open in the middle of the night to fill a prescription.

Now we buy everything on line from drugs to pet food and have no need to engage with the outside world. Libraries were places to go for information as well as local chit chat and a glimpse of an out of town we Google, Wicopedia, and Bing all our inquires.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Internet...almost to a point of obsession. I can go for days with out getting dressed if I want, and all information is at my fingertips. Some of my more 'interesting' searches would have left our town librarian scratching her head. (Victorian cross dressers? seriously??) and Face Book has connected me with people from years ago and created new friendships. So that's a good thing.

But some days I kinda long for a kitchen full of Aunts helping make my Mom's green tomato relish, or the days of cousins filling the rooms to watch tv.

But, I can message them on Face Book, and its almost the same thing.

Monday, February 27, 2012

before meets after

This is one of the pieces of jewelry that was given to me at the craft show. A very nice lady gave me two shoe boxes filled with assorted findings and parts as she didn't use them any more. She made these pins back in the 80's and we all had at least one. C'mon, fess up, we wore them with our mustard colored jackets with the shoulder pads sanctioned by the NFL and earrings so big our they needed their own zip code. We were stylin'...

So I took them and reconfigured them in a different manner, hopefully updating the look. So now instead of plastic and glue, it is a recycled, vegan friendly piece of wearable art...yeah, sure you betcha...

It got me thinking about what I do compared to what my mom did back in the 70's. She loved crafts and did made some interesting Christmas ornaments using plastic pills cups, Elmers glue and glitter. Yeah, I was horrified.

But how far off are my cobbled together things? Is someone going to look back and think it looks dated and funky. Are they going to remember it with a fondness associated with Jelly shoes and big hair? Or will they end up at the bottom of a shoe box at a future garage sale, right along with VHS tapes and MP3 players?

Are my reconfigured pieces that far from the "Glamorous Plastic" the lady gave me? No, probably not, but that's ok...

Etsy needs things for future 'Vintage' in 20 years time.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Say

hey everybully, lily da bulldog here to comment of a few things i need to get off my chest

sorry bout takin so long between posts but big lady never leaves the puter on anymore

anyway things round here are ok

the food could be better, i want kibbles but it makes sophies eyes turn red so i get to eat boring food

and its cold outside so i try not to go out much anymore...big lady keeps tossing me out and making me pee, but if she had to drag her boobies in da sno she would run back in too

big lady is cookin more so dats gud. she drops a lot on da floor so we lub to be right under her feet...dats when i think she gets confused cuz she calls us different names...i don member no other bully called jebuskristonacracker

and dat new tiny dog is gettin on my last nerve...all dat mewing around is confusing, especially when she gets to go out whenever she, catch one stinkin lousy skuril and the sun rises and sits on your furry behind round here

ani is gud...she is to big to jump on da bed so she sleeps on da floor...big lady must lub dat cuz every nite she gets up and yells at her to get out of the flippin flappin way...and den we hear a big crash. dat sounds like so much fun

so all in all its a nice life

we do need a bigger couch and more chew toys so I don have to eat any more hats
or slippers
or soft toys
or blankets
or pillows
or catchers mitts
or tennis balls
or volleyballs

big lady keeps talking bout baffs so i need to keep tryin to hide under the couch
she might be big but she is fast...and bullys hate baffs

anyway, i hear the water runnin so i better go squeeze under the puter desk...
hab a gud day!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Judge Judy drinking game

Working out of the home has its advantages...the commute is a breeze, your work area can become a pants free zone and you can sing along with your oldies station and no one thinks you are beating a cat with a bag of nails.

Oh sure, the Christmas party sucks and you will be the one to ALWAYS clean out the microwave, but for the most part, its great.

You can even spend your free time familiarizing yourself with popular culture. Facebook, no problem, Pinterest, on it, Linkedin...updating daily...and Judge Judy, a must.

So, for those of us who are spending quality time with the one woman who could scare the be-jebus out of the Taliban, I give you the Judge Judy drinking game:

This game is easily retrofitted to work with everything from Tequila shots to gummy bears...enjoy!

One shot for showing up dressed in street clothes including underware.
One shot for the following:


One shot for the following scenerios;
threatening to send a copy of the tape to the defendant's Attorney General.
making fun of the defendant's boyfriend's clothes
throwing out one or all of the defendants witnese's/moral support

One shot for the following statement:
'It wasn't a loan, it was a gift'
'I never asked her to bail me out'
'I baby sat her kids so I don't owe rent'
'she should have had insurance on the car I borrowed'
'she knew I didn't have a license when I borrowed her car'
'my dog never bit anyone before'

Two shot for Judge Judy calling people at home.

Three shots for tossing everyone out of her courtroom.

Judge Judy is on for an hour and a half where I live, so the chance of me being upright and sober to make dinner is slim at best..,

Yes, working at home has its benefits...I just hope my liver holds out till I can draw Social Security.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Goin' to the movies

The Hubs and I went out to the movies last night...first time in a long time. They have sound now! Anyway, we got there early so we could find a seats and get my chicken bucket size popcorn with salt ground finer than baby powder and something they called 'butter' dumped over the top layer, $5 diet Pepsi and 98 napkins. I'm ready!

Show starts at 7:10...dumb-ass me, I thought that meant the show 'starts' at 7:10...nope, commercials for TV shows 'start' at 7:10. Then some previews of 'new movies' (all playing now)and some previews of upcoming releases (including a remake of the 3 stooges!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously, remake Flash Dance, remake Fame, hell, ever remake Gone with the Wind...but the 3 stooges!!!argh!!!!) and finally the pitch for the National Guards (which makes me cry) and then the lights go dim...almost...
house lights, not the back lights of the phones all around us so all the little tweens who's parents dropped them off as cheap babysitters can text throughout the movie.

Movie starts and so does the mass Exodus of aforementioned 'tweens' who are now running up and down the aisle to see who is with who, giggling and tripping up the ramp and squealing with delight at being 'so grown up'.

Side bar: open letter to MOM who came to the movies with her tween girl and her boyfriend, what did you expect to happen when you sat ahead of them and the lights went down? Did you ever find where they went? I would suggest you look in the back seat of the Buick.

About 10 minutes in, a 2nd wave of seat moving begins. Not sure what caused that, but think it might have something to do with the loud and animated discussion 'Megan' had with 'Jessica'. *sigh* Meanwhile, back in the cheap seats, I wondering how bad my head will explode when I see a commercial for this movie coming out on video next week.

From now on, I think I will stick with the rest of the old farts and see movies on a rainy Thursday afternoon with my smuggled in pop tarts and candy corn.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Out in the country

This is a picture of my road...on a good day, so it's safe to say I live in the boonies. You get use to the isolation, the lack of neighbors, the inability to order pizza. You don't necessarily worry about locking your doors but are well armed in case someone decides to test your resolve to put a bullet between someones eyes.

Living in the country also is a cultural adjustment. You don't worry about dressing up for anything unless its deer hunting season or garage sale time. You wash your car only to remove the salt and don't even bother with curtains.

The local restaurants are decorated with a combination of NASCAR and roosters, all the gas stations not only carry milk and bread, but the kind of diapers you request and hard liquor.

People out here still wave at each other no matter if we know them or not. We notice when something 'dosen't look right' and will hold pancake breakfasts for you when you are sick. Your neighbor may not speak to you for years, but will be the first one there to help you cut down that tree. (or at the very least, stand back and watch you work and offer unneeded advise).

I've lived here 12 years now, and have finally burnished off those 'newcomer' edges. I can walk into the local greasy spoon, who's name isn't even on the door, and order the special with a side of cracklin's with out shame or remorse, and they never ask what I'm drinkin' cuz they know.

The paper comes once a week, and its free.

You can come home to a pile of zucchini or a dozen eggs with no note and no need for thanks, out here you share your wealth in whatever form it takes.

Its a slow paced life out here in the sticks and all I can say is...


Thursday, February 9, 2012

what the heart wants

Valentines day is coming and I have no grand illusions of a big expansive present from the hubs. Nope, them days is long gone!

Oh, back in the day he was real good, even gave me my engagement ring on Valentines day. Now-a-days its more like a bag of coconut M&Ms and 8 pack of caffeine free diet coke.

And that's not to say he is the bad guy, I use to wake up extra early and write cutesy little notes on the bathroom mirror, make heart shaped meatloaves, and send surprises in his lunch.

Yeah, now its more like: 'here's the remote...your welcome'.

I think that is the natural progression of a relationship. Before marriage you are trying so hard to impress each other...dressing up, never eating more than him, trying not to fart...

After 32 years you sorta get over all the mushy stuff and appreciate each other for what counts, like eating whatever I put in front of him( a truly brave and self sacrificing act).

You go from obsessing about returned calls to watching their lips move but having no idea what they are talking about cuz you stopped listening 10 minutes earlier.

You use to spend hours putting on makeup and doing your hair to wearing their housecoats and wondering when the last time you flossed your teeth.

And you scratch wherever it itches.

After being in a relationship for a while you relax, start to wear comfortable shoes, then comfortable pants, pretty soon you don't even get out of your sweats.

So, in my humble opinion, what the heart wants is to be comfortable with your significant other. So relax and be content the knowledge that this works, and no one else would put up with your crap anyway.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

drawing from life

Long ago I wanted to be a fine artist...and by that, I mean working for Hallmark. I actually had a chance to design something for them once, not sure if they made it but hope they did, so I can cross that off the bucket list.

Drawing has always been a source of comfort for me, very much like a favorite blanket or teddy bear. It's not something I do well enough to continue to feed the bulldog, and with photo shop it may well become as relevant as devining, but its my thing and I enjoy it.

I draw to keep me from killing people.
I draw to avoid housework.
I draw to make me feel like I am doing something relevant and useful.
I draw because I can't sew.
I draw to avoid reality.
I draw to make me happy.

And sometimes I draw for people who actually pay me money, but those gigs are few and far between. In fact, while getting my taxes ready for last year I realized I haden't designed anything for a paying customer last year...or the year prior.
Guess that part of what I do is over. *sigh*

So now I dink around with pencils, crayons and pastels, for no other reason than because I can.

And that makes me happy.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

vacation time, revisited

So onward and southward we head for South Carolina. The basic idea it to look at retirement porperty, get me out of the snow and shut me up for a while. (meanwhile, back in Michigan its a balmy 40 degrees and no snow)

We head for our hotel and tuck in for the night.

The next day was suppose to be for driving around and looking at property...but turned into driving around, eating fabulous sea food, driving around some more and then being too sleepy to do anything else

The hotel we were staying at had a wonderful buffet breakfast that ended at 9:00 am, so I had a small wedge to get the hubs out the door before noon. They changed the time to 11:00, so all bets were off. I spent the rest of the vacation having this conversation:

me: when do you want to start in the morning
him: I'll get up at 7:30 and we can have breakfast and go talk to some realitors
me: really??
him: sure

what actually happened:
him: oh! I didn't hear the alarm, what time is it?
me: 11:30
him: sorry...
Me: here's your damn poptart

We did drive to one location that was perfect in every with existing trees, 24/7 security, 4 on site resturants, a pier, a co-op art gallery and even their own church...
now all I gotta do is win the lottery.

Then we continue the perpetual conversation about retirement and what exactly that means. To me it means spending quality time in an environement that is secure and dosen't freeze your boogers. To him it's here, so he dosent have to move his crap.

We spend a week down there not talking to realators or banks, but manage to hit one flea market and eat a a bunch of seafood. The drive home consisted of me bitching about the point of driving down there and not looking at any thing, and him telling me it is a good thing to be thinking this far ahead, but he didn't see any reason to go beyond driving around.

Coming home we found the house smelled like a kennel and some of my items were chewed beyond redemption. The neighbor had assured us everything was going smoothly, no worries, but that was a wee bit over stated. The dogs actually pooped on and in everything and we were never told so we wouldn't worry.
First day home and I get to clean and mop the entire house...yippie.

They chewed my best throw blanket, my slipper, my teddy bear, my hat and my cloth doll...
I think they were trying to make a point.

So, as far as vacations go, I think I will avoid anything longer than 3 days, take the dogs with me and leave the hubs behind...then we will both enjoy our time off.

Monday, February 6, 2012

back from the vacation...everyone survived

This is a necklace I made from some of the findings from my vacation. Vacation: a time to relax and unwind, to regroup and recharge, quality time spent with the ones you love...

Yeah, not so much.

I am finding in my old age that my ability to roll with the flow sorta flowed right on out that door. Now, I find I have no patience with a few things...most things...oh hell...everything.

Driving with the hubs use to be the time away from phones and interruptions...not any more. Now we spend the entire time checking if our phone just chirped or did we run over a squirrel.

Finding quiet out of the way places to eat have now become dashboard dining at fast food restaurants we don't have locally...why-oh-why don't we live near a jack-in-the box so the hubs can eat his weight in those gawd awful tacos and be done with it????
(seriously, for our 25th anniversary we went to Hawaii and on the taxi ride from the airport he damn near jumped out of the car when he spotted a jack-in-the box...guess where we ate that night???)

And trips that use to fly by are now an excruciating time spent dodging break lights, talking to 'on star' and bitching about leg room.

The itinerary goes like this:
leave 7:30 am (or some time that has a 7 in it, like 10:17)

drive to local gas station buying just enough gas to get to state line in case gas is cheaper in next state. Tank up on gas station cappuccino

stop at gas station in next state to fill up on gas at the same price, but able to pee...more coffee

stop to pee at rest area

stop to pee at gas station 100 miles into trip, think about getting more coffee...decide to get bag of doritos instead.

20 minutes later gagging on salty snacks and need drink...stop for water and a cappuccino, sneak a pee.

continue for the next 800 miles until I am virtually stabbing hubs by the nads and demanding we stop for the night.

series of heavy sighs

drive in circles trying to find a place to stay that doesn't charge by the hour, check in and fall down.

day one complete.

to be continued

Thursday, January 19, 2012


We all have idealized images of ourselves. The ones we think we look like versus the ones that we really look like. You know the ones...the pictures we delete, the group shots taken by someone else that make you cringe...drivers licenses pictures. Those are not us.

Nope, we think we look good when sporting that new $3 big-lots dye job or Dollar General track suit.

We insist that our comfy bra is fine even though the 'girls' are hanging in your lap and your shoulders have permanent dents.

And blue eye shadow was all over the runway in Paris last year.

Jeans that double as tourniquets are fine...

and that diaper bag from the 80's is a perfect solution for a purse.

Yeah, we can rock both mini's and platforms as long as walking and sitting is not involved, and lets not forget the cutesy T-shirt from back when we were groupies for the local country band that use to play at the bar...the one that burned down 20 years ago...

and then you go to the store and get given the senior discount without being asked

AARP are the only stalkers you have

your wardrobe is considered vintage

kids ask you about the good old days back in the 70's

you remember things like cassette tapes, film for cameras and rotary phones...and realize you still use all those things.

and then it hits you...

you aint cute anymore, at best you hope for handsome with flashes of long lost one is 'carding' you again... ever, and the only thing you have to look forward to be being one of those wacky old ladies who bungee jump on their 80th birthday.

Suck it up, nothing anyone can do...own your age, dress like you want and be happy.
And if you can't be happy, go for wacky.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Images of love.

As yet another holiday approaches I am thinking about the concept of true love.

Interesting how it changes and evolves as the time goes by. When I was a kid on the playground I thought true love was when a boy socked you in the arm and ran away. Later it was when a boy returned your call, or sat by you at the football game. Later still it was spending money on you and remembering stupid made up anniversaries.

Now, after being married for 32 years it amounts to helping with the dishes, putting laundry away and bringing home ice cream.

Yeah, true love can take many forms...

holding your purse while you shop
holding your hair while you puke
eating that dinner you know was terrible
wiping out the sink
pumping your gas
having pancakes for dinner
calling before coming home to see if you need anything
gagging down Italian sausage on the pizza cuz I know you like it

Back in the day it might have been fabulous birthday presents and expensive dinners, now its more like fast food and a night of tv.

Or grabbing the vacuum and sucking up them tumbleweed sized dog hair clumps,
leaving the last 'little debbie' or cleaning up the fur balls instead of pointing them out for me to do it.

But mostly its being BFF's forever. It's when you look at that other person and know in your heart of hearts that you want to stab them with a fork in the throat as well as spend the rest of your life with them. That my friends is true love.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Some handy tips from the Queen.

While I know I seem to be the kind of person who has it all together it really is a challenge to keep up this fast paced lifestyle. Keeping a hunny happy, the career, the kids and a house has become such a challenge that I have developed a streamed line way to make it easy. Follow these tips and you too, can a poser like the Queen!

First and foremost...don't have kids. This cuts your work in half. Not having kids means you can eat what you like, spend your money on things need like beer and cheese cake instead of pampers and cell phones and you can use cheap shampoo. Not having kids means no car seats, baggies of cheerios and gogurt...the expensive ice cream is all yours and no one rolls their eyes at you. Its a good thing.

While pets are essential for keeping you sane, please make sure they clean themselves. Feral cats are perfect for this. Dogs are good too, as long as you get short hair ones that are already past the cute stage. After all, you need pets to clean up leftovers, bark when a leaf falls and blame farts on. They are a great excuse when you get that fugly sweater from your mother in law...who could blame fluffy for eating that lovely work of art.

Carpets are from Satan himself and should be banned from all homes. Carpets require more upkeep than an elderly relative with lots of cash and are about as grateful. Carpets catch dog hair and get stained if you look at them too hard. Make your life easier and rip them suckers out.

If you can't live in the boondocks like me, I suppose curtains are a requirement. Neighbors can be such a bother and who needs to know that you watch tv in your camo colored if you have reached maturity and decided sheets are not the adult method of window treatments, try wooden shutters...they don't need ironing, and can be nailed shut if you have wayward teenagers.

Here are some quick tips that will make you the Queen of your household.

Run the vacuume while playing marjohong...anyone listening will think you are working your delicate, well manicured nails to the bone.

Spray endust on the light bulbs so the whole house smells fresh and clean.

Place locks on the outside of bathroom doors. This keeps your precious little one inside the room till he cleans up his own freakin' mess. This works especially well if the shutters are nailed in place.

Butter dishes are trash, do not wash them, store them, and keep them for leftovers...thats what dogs and husbands are for. You have a totally different set of problems if you are keeping them as your 'good dishes'.

And finally, fabreeze is your friend, this invention will not only keep your family fresh, it cuts your laundry in half. Just a flip and a spritz and you are fresh as a daisy for another day.

I know these tips will keep you in a manner that we have all become so accustome too, and after all, you're woth it.

Friday, January 13, 2012

new years resolutions

well, that first one about not procrastinating is not going as well as planned...

But, onward and upward. This year has already offered me a chance to really spend time exploring my creativity. And while that sounds wonderful and uplifting, it basically means I have given up trying to find 'real' work and am now going to start crocheting pot holders and apple cozies.

There are some things I am going to make a concentrated effort to change. Really...honest.


I am going to stop sitting around in my housecoat all day telling myself I am saving the planet by decreasing the amount of laundry I do each week (month, year).

When the Fed-Ex guy shows up at 4:30 and I am still in my jammies, I am going to stop wrapping my head in a towel so he thinks I just got out of the shower.

I am going to stop eating fudge for breakfast..
I am sleeping in till 11:30 so I can eat fudge for brunch.

I am going to wait until after Judge Joe but before Judge Judy to start the daily Marjong marathons.

I will learn to text.

I will learn to use the DVR without throwing the remote against the wall...again.

I will knife point...

I am decreasing my intake of gas station cappuccinos in favor of nice refreshing water...but as soon as it stops snowing, all bets are off.

and hopefully, I will stop neglecting this blog...
but don't bet on it.

happy New year, and happy Friday the 13th.