Sunday, December 18, 2011

Christmas for the unmotivated

I am trying, I really am, to cultivate a good natured christmas feeling that warms the heart and cheers the soul. But somehow, it aint happining.

I'd like to blame the corporate big-wigs who seem determined to suck every last vestige of sentiment out of the holiday by starting the non stop christmas music before November...or the shops who put up their christmas decorations right after Labor day...or the snarky 'in your face' commertials extolling greed and guilt.

But I think its just me...I don't bake, I don't decorate, I don't have office parties (working at home sucks!). So all those thousands of christmas commertials are lost on me.

And this year the hubs and I decided not to get each other anything for the holidays as we already have just about everything two carbon based life forms can use. Last year I gave him a toothbrush and some razors, and he got me candy...yeah, we are done. So there is no reason to inflict that special joy of 'christmas shopping' on myself. I will say, it will feel very weird to wake up on Christmas morning to nothing...but he will be working so I guess I will just stay in bed with a good book.

At some point I will bake a cake to take to his sisters for dinner later in the day...he will be the zombie-like idiot sitting in the corner trying to be 'merry' on about 3 hours sleep...yippie.

So, I hope everyone else is having a much better holiday season than I year I think I will haul my behind to some island and drink Mai-Tai's till ground hog day.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas news letter...

I've always wanted to be the kind of person to enclose a new letter in my Christmas know the type...'little baby-boy is reading at a 3rd grade level and has mastered Mandarin Chinese, pretty good for a 3 month old' kinda crap. But mine would say the same thing every year. All is well, nothing going on...everyone is reasonably healthy and working.

So, here is my first ever Christmas news letter dedicated to all my loyal readers...all 3 of you.

Merry Christmas, and I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. This year I really focused on my hand made jewelry and opened a 2nd shop on busy with creating new and wonderful things:

Translation: No, I still am not working, and as I live in this god forsaken state I can safely assume I will not be working in the near future unless Tractor Supply starts hiring people to hand out carts.

David is still working for the energy company...people just love their electricity, LOL. So when you look at your Christmas tree with is lovely blinking lights just remember that my hubby helped bring that joy to your family.

Translation: Hubs is still working the swing shift at that salt mine and will be working Christmas eve and Christmas day but it doesn't really matter as I didn't even put up a tree and we decided not to get each other any presents..Ho-freakin'Ho Ho Ho.

And the pets are being as playful as ever.

Translation: I'm 2 squirrel heads and a mouse face ahead of the vermin trying to gain access to the house.

And living out here in the woods at this time is so lovely, the snow and ice hanging from the branches creates such a wonderful feeling of Christmas.

Translation: That last ice storm brought down a shit-ton load of branches, knocking out the electricity for 2 days, freezing my pipes and leaving me with no other form of heat besides burning newspapers and magazines. The dogs proved a good source of residual heat. I could, however, go out and get a bucket full of snow and melt it to flush the toilet on occasion.

Its so peaceful out here, giving me a lot of time to enjoy my crafts, read and commune with nature.

Translation: every morning, up at the crack of noon, watch some Judge Judy and piddle around till I decide some time this week I should actually get dressed. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put the mail box way the flock out at the road, now I gotta find some shoes so I can schlep out to the box to get my 97 credit card offers and a Christmas card from the gas company.

So, to all my friends and family, I wish you the warmest of Holiday cheer, a time of peace and fellowship and a new year of full of Happiness.

Translation: So, to all my friends and family, I wish you the warmest of Holiday cheer, a time of peace and fellowship and a new year of full of Happiness. Now bugger off!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Craft shows, not for the faint of heart.

I did a craft show last weekend and while it seems like a lot of sitting around it is a lot of work. Its a huge undertaking for me just to be pleasant for that long of time, not to mention paying attention, sounding interested and making eye contact. I use to do shows once in a while back in the 80's and now I remember why I stopped. People are so dang...interesting...they either say some of the most unkind, profoundly stupid things, want to know your secrets on what glue you use, flat out ask how you do things, complain of the price, talk about your table as though you are not there or ask to take a picture of your work so they can make their own.

Here is a sample of comments from last weeks show...

'you know, if you would have used swarski crystals and real stone beads on this necklace ($12) I would have bought it...' (so would have I)

'some lady said there was a table full of junk, I figure it must be you...'

'so how do you know what to stick to other things...hell, I got a drawer full of junk I can glue together too...'

'but these are just buttons??????'

(overheard comment by 2 tweens) 'my mom loves this kind of crap'

(whispered to me over the table) 'do you have a card, I am looking for people to be at my history show and this kinda works...' why is this a secret?

'you didn't actually use a REAL POSTAGE STAMP!!!!!!!! I COLLECT STAMPS AND THAT IS JUST WRONG!!!!'...calm down Lady, it was on last years Christmas card.

lady thrusting a necklace back to me...'this isn't a REAL vintage picture is it???, you ruined it you know!!!...jeeze lady take a pill, I scanned it...

and my all time favorite:
' this????'

I think my next show will include a thermos of Baileys.

There were a lot of people who spent a long time looking at my display, trying to figure out what it was and commenting on how creative it was. That makes up for all the dumb crap that people say.

And frankly, what else am I gonna do with the stuff...

so look for me sitting behind my table, with my giant sippy cup filled with Baileys and a smidge of coffee, a goofy grin on my face, watching the clock till I can haul my stuff home to do it all again at another church or school.

Friday, December 2, 2011

I heart you all but...

tis the season of good will towards all man(kind) and I want to be apart of that, I really do...but dang it...

when I get a robo call from the Salvation Army at dinner time I get a bit annoyed...

when I hear stories from Black Friday of people going absolutely bat-crap crazy in wal-mart...WALMART!

when commercials on tv promote all that is horrible and selfish (ebay commercial where the girl insults all her relatives for not giving her gifts she is 'feeling')

when they sneak a mini commercial in an episode of HOUSE...scene: 2 dr. driving down the road, one says something like...' and my car actually senses when I am driving too fast on a curve and automatically slows down'...pan to logo on front of car, yup, its FORD, a sponsor of the show...

I have to take a step back and rethink this holiday season...

am I suppose to feel guilty if I think buying a child anything with an I in the title is stupid.

am I the only one who feels totally manipulated into thinking there is something wrong with me because I don't have fabulous holiday parties, surprise the hubs with a new car (with the obligatory big ass bow)and likewise, is he suppose to dazzle me with diamonds (well...)

I heart all y'all, but people...we got to do better!