Thursday, September 30, 2010


A few months ago on Etsy, Foxontherun asked everyone to describe their 'look' and she would put together an outfit that matches. I wrote something like Annie Hall meets Drew Barrymore with Rosanne Barr boobs. Personally I think she nailed it!

It is some program called Polyvore and kinda cool...

I am amazed that people can see past our precieved imperfections and personal biases and push us into something we would never buy for ourselves. Wearing it, thats a different story. So, I challenge everyone today to yank out that thing that someone talked you into buying...(you know you got a few!) and try it never know!

Except for mumu's, caftains, tube tops, and anything with sparkles. Just say no!

Monday, September 27, 2010


Just got back last night after a fun filled week in beautiful San Diego!

And as usual, the weather was cold, rainy and for the most part, very Michigan like. I would like to point out that the day we left, the weather cleared and they are now experiencing unseasonable temperatures.

I am just not a very good vacation person. My plans are to do no shopping, maybe catch a show, eat some exotic food, see some sights and generally not think about anything. Hubs wants to sleep, visit historical sites and gain knowledge to use on 'Jeopardy' or 'Cash Cab'. He is patient as a saint, I am not...soooooo not.

So imagine my surprise to find we were staying at a perfectly nice hotel but everything was 'a short bus ride away'...I don't really do buses, much. I like to know where I am going, when I am going, and I want to go directly there...I don't much like the idea of traveling to one point to catch a bus to another bus to a trolley and then a short walk to the taxi stand. The hotel had a shuttle, but it took you to the airport or the mall. And for whatever sick and twisted reason, the hubs was insisting on taking the bus everywhere. Did I mention we didn't have a schedule...

At one point the shuttle driver dumped us out in the middle of nowhere with no one but homeless tinfoil hat wearing guys for company. And what did my stalwart husband do??? He yanks out a compass and stands in the middle of the street trying to find N. Two middle aged pasty faced white people with bad polyester Hawaiian shirts standing in the middle of the street looking for N. We might as well carried a sign that said 'steal our travelers checks'. I finally just started looking for the nearest coffee shop for some comfort and cover while Gunga-Dave looked for magnetic north.

Finally a mail carrier pointed us in the right direction and we walked to the Hard Rock. After leaving there we wandered all over that end of town looking for something interesting...never found it.

Next day we went to the Midway. Awesome place. We then tried to find a bus stop to take us home...walking forever, dodging more homeless people and pigeons, we gave up and tried to hail a cab. Apparently the cab hailing gene has not been passed down to my husband and while we continued wandering in the general direction of the hotel we never managed to catch a cab. My feet and patience gave up and I insisted he call the hotel for a shuttle...'sorry, he went home for the day'. So we walked to the next bus stop we could find, got on and drove 2 stops to our 70spf was long gone, we hadn't eaten all day and I headed straight to the bar. 2 Mai tais later I was waisted and headed back to the room.

Still insisting we would take buses everywhere, we spent the next day at Oceans Beach. More homeless, lots of pigeons and antique malls...We ate at Hodaddys, and I managed to wolf down the humongous burger with no problem whatsoever. While we were waiting for a bus (again!) a taxi came up and said...'man, I will take you anywhere you need for $5 each' (I jumped in!) when I asked why he stopped he said...'you looked exhausted, like the typical touristas'...yup, he had me pegged.

David wanted to go to Old Town, so, bus schedules in hand we head out. Mexican food or bust! He had been told of a place to eat, so we wandered all over looking for the place (passing about 17 gillion other perfectly nice, not crowded cafes) We found the place...with a 45 minute wait. So we waited only to be sat at the wonkiest table in the place, so wobbly that my drink (an excellent sangria) had tipped over! The food was good and David over did it. We spent the next few hours walking for 20 minutes, finding the restroom for 20 minutes, walking...'resting'...all the way home.

I was kinda over this trip but David had scheduled a tour on the "Stars and Stripes" racing boat...meh, apparently this is a big deal. Me, I stayed at the hotel, sat by the pool, wrote, read, drank and finally enjoyed a bit of my perfect vacation.

I think this 'vacation thing' we keep insisting on putting ourselves through is gonna be the death of me yet.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

those stupid surveys that I always fill out!

These are the answers to one of those internet surveys I always fill out. It pretty much sums up the Queen in all her glory.

1. What color is your toothbrush?
I have no idea...can't even guess

2. Name one person who made you smile today:
David, I know-lame but he is the only one around here

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
convincing myself that I need to get up after having a dream it was 10:00am

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
talking with David about nothing

5. What is your favorite candy bar?
the one in my hand, in my cupboard, or in the car...melted, stuffed behind a couch cushion...dosen't matter

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
no, damnit, and I feel my life is a little empty

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
do you want some tea with lemon??? (sick husband brings out the small amount of maternal instinct I have)

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Chocolate, with chocolate...Baskin Robbins use to have Bittersweet Chocolate...excuse me while I drift off a while..

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
cold coffee, I'm too lazy to stick it in the microwave and too cheap to throw it out.

10. Do you like your wallet?
my wallet? wtf?

11. What was the last thing you ate?
broiled scallops

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
I haven't bought "new" clothing in years

13. The last sporting event you watched?
sporting event...sporting agility...

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
same answer as the candy bar.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message too?
text messages are from the Devil...especially at 10cents a message...aka, don't text me!

16. Ever go camping?
now why would anyone want to do what they do outside that they can do inside????

17. Do you take vitamins daily?
yes, senior silver! now where is my AARP card, damnit!

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
use to, till we moved to the great black swamp

19. Do you have a tan?
do I have a tan what?

20.Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?
that depends, Chineese Chineese food or American Chineese food.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?'
now these questions are just start with, I am from Michigan, we don't drink SODA, we drink the question should be do I drink pop with a straw, and I have to, don't drink pop at all...whew!

22. What did your last text message say?
some wierd ass warning about going to Wal Mart and a gang initiation...whatever

23. What are you doing tomorrow?
getting the bug guy to help me through the great carpenter ant invasion I am having

25. Look to your left. what do you see?
my desk filled with jewelry pieces and parts

26. What color is your watch?

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?
Colin Hay songs...

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I go in, so they make my coffee a decaf and not just tell me its a decaf...

30. What is your favorite number?
back in the day we all had favorite numbers, mine was 75! then I grew up and no body cared...

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
bug guy

32. Any plans today?
lunch with Kris, clean the house, bath...bed. whoopie!

33. How many states have you lived in?
3 if you count the few minutes I lived in North Canton and Brimingham ALA

34. Biggest annoyance right now?
Obama...pleeezzzeee don't get me started...

35. Last song listened to?
Jerry jeff Walker "una ma Cervesa" or Hoyt Axton "Boney Fingers" can't rmember

36,Can you say the alphabet backwards?
if given a long time to think about it and good enough reason, or a tazer in my face.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
yeah, you bethca her name is Ginya, Queen of China and she is a Beee-itch

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
I have these ding-dong orthotics that only fit in grandma shoes, but I did have leg braces and then it was frankinstein um...what was the question???

39. Are you jealous of anyone?
people who never have to think about what they do to their health

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
lets see, 51, unemployed, thighs that still move 10 minutes after I get into bed, yeah but lets not all be haters...

41. Do you love anyone?
Yes, my boy Daid, the only man on the planet that will put up with my shit

42. Do any of your friends have children?
yes and some of them even like them!

43. What do you usually do during the day?
look for work, sweep up dog food, dink around, sweep up more dog food,

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
after a certain time in your life you give up hate and settle into apathy

45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
you mean like 'hello' ie stupid or hello, as a greeting? cuz the first one is lame

46. What color is your car?
Saturn is silver with mud colored spots, Miata is Black with mud covered everything

47. Do you like cats?
depends on how they are surved

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?
no, I'm filling out this ding-dong questionare

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

50. How did you get your worst scar?
biopsy on my boob, after everyone thought it was a gunshot wound(which was a rumor I started) I had a tatoo covering it.
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

sometimes you just gotta vent!

Whenever Sophie his annoyed, frustrated or just pissy, she always has a subtle little way to let me know. How I wish I were as self controlled.

Nope, when I get my nose out of joint, knickers in a twist, panties bunched or honked off I basically do one of 5 things:

1) eat, usually something unhealthy, greasy or downright life threatening
2) cuss...a blue streak, usually accompanied with a classic Daffy Duck style melt down
3) withdraw, grabbing my binky and a book and head for my bedroom
4) drive...often to get the greasy killer food
5) eat...I know, but I do it a lot!

I don't drink, (much) and I am not prone to violence (much) so grabbing a pillow and ripping the guts out of it would only amount to loosing a pillow and having to clean up the mess.

We have all been programed to deal with frustrations in various ways. My mom would clam up, wouldn't say a word, for weeks...this is not the best and most effective way to deal with an issue as it never gets confronted and everyone is doing the happy dance for some peace and quiet.

My husbands talks it out...and out and out...alright already!!!! You think Modern Family is funny, I don't, lets just agree to disagree.

My Grandfather was a master at the art of 'Poking the Bear' and would plan large elaborate schemes to cause some conflict...usually involving my mother...and as fun as it was watching the outcome...(5 weeks of silence followed by a sonic boom that could be heard in Hong Kong) even I realized that was some sick game.

Personally I think venting is good...even the giant kamahai-mahi melt down that accompanies me when I miss Project Runway or can't find my crimping beads. (yup, don't take much!) Not sure I would take it out on a poor old cushion, but that is Sophie's job.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Eat here...or not


Took myself out for some errands and general dinking around and decided to stop at a fairly nice restaurant in the area. Actually very nice, napkins and everything! I wanted a cup of coffee and a salad...cup of coffee and a salad, keep this in mind.

I know I am in the 'crappy tipper' demographic of society...single middle aged woman who knows exactly how much work is involved in writing down an order and bringing it out. Yup, we are crappy tippers.

Now, as far as career choices for me, waitressing would fall somewhere between police officer and day care worker...anyone who knows me knows I would shoot every idiot that was talking on the cell phone while eating a burrito and trying to make a left handed turn...I would duct tape all the kids to the walls and feed them benydryl waitressing is right out. I know what a pain in the azz I am, and I wouldn't want to deal with the likes of me.

I have never been a waitress, dishwasher yes, and that was a 'shoot me now' situation. So please forgive me if I get lost in the nuances of writing down my order.

Back to the cup of coffee and a salad...

I am seated in a dark corner at one of those half tables only big enough for one person or 3 anorexic problem, but apparently I am forgotten, or just flippin' invisible. Finally I ask another waitress from another section for a coffee...10 minutes later I get it (no cream tho). I want to walk out at this point, I do not wait well but dang it I want my cup of coffee and a salad. Flagging down the waitress I ask for some cream and then finally MY waitress shows up to take my order...cobb salad with turkey, blue cheese crumbles on the side, honey mustard dressing. 20 minutes later I get Chef salad with chicken covered with blue cheese crumbles and a cracker. Whatever, I got my cup of coffee and a salad...the coffee has run out and a 2nd cup is a dream salad is uneatable for me (can not stand blu cheese, but David loves it so I bring it home to him) so I give up and start the process of looking around for any waitress to bring me a box. 20 minutes later they bring me a bill, when I ask for a box it is basically tossed at me and then and only then I am asked if I want another cup of coffee...the bill


Look, I know how difficult it is being in the service industry. You got to have the heart to deal with idiots like me..(how dare I ask for something on the side, doncha know we are BUSY!) and any job is a good job...but don't ask me to subsidizes your hourly wage with my tip and not treat me like a boss. I don't want you to sit down and explain the specials or introduce me to the chef, just write down the order and check back every once in a while.

So I left and didn't leave a tip...and here is the kicker...I am feeling GUILTY for 'stiffing' the waitress of her tip...

No other place on earth do we expect workers to work for sub-par wages and expect the clients to make up the difference. Where and when did this get started? You leave a tip in any other country and you may just get your ass handed to you. I have insulted more Asian waiters by saying thank you (no need to thank someone who is just doing the job they were hired to do) and had an Australian barman rip me a new one by leaving a tip. "ere, I don't work for you Lady!". Here we are so conditioned to leave a tip that even when service is lousy and overprices we still tuck that dollar under the plate.

So now I have a wilting overpriced salad covered in blue cheese waiting for David, (who leaves ridiculously large tips)and am waiting for my very bad coffee to finish brewing. Next time, McDonalds!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

livin' in the boonies

This is a picture of my front yard...note: no yard

Yup, I live in the boondocks, the sticks, the middle of BFE, out in the country. My road is a dirt road that is connected to another dirt road. Pizza delivery is a concept that has not quite made it to my world. I have no curtains, can walk around but-nekked, and play my music as loud as I want to...neighbors are not a problem.

Having said all of that, please don't assume because my car is covered with smutz and funk that I am a slob...don't write in the dust on my window (and for sure and for certain, don't let me catch you at it next time I am at Walmart, ya little azzhat!)

When I tell you where I live don't get confused and ask about my town, there isn't one...Jerome is not near anywhere. Closest town?? Summerset? Moscow? North Adams...does that help??? Closest town with a...oh, lets say store??? Jonesville??? And to be absolutely truthful, I live in a nonexistent town called Bundy Hill. Exactly in the center of no-freakin'where.

It was my choice to live out here in the middle of nuttin' why is it such a major stumbling block for all employers??? Everyone questions the address, desperately trying to get a fix on my location...give it up, it aint on a map. They all decide that 'I live too far away to be effective.' HUH???

OK, let me put this in writing for all eternity. Where I live is my problem, not yours. Hire me and I will be at work, no doubt early. I will never whine about the cost of gas, the drive in blinding snow or my hour and half commute. I will always have reliable transportation...go ahead and worry about the drunk in the next cubical, I'm fine.

I like living in the quiet, I really like being able to wander around in my jammies, look out my window and see deer, turkey, fox and occasionally the neighbors horse. I can deal with the dirt on my cars, the snowbird neighbors, the bugs, bats and other beasts that share their environment with me. Sidewalks are over rated.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

random and needless ranting

This is a picture of the first piece I posted in my shop. I like it, and apparently that is good cuz I still got it! I realize my style (or lack of one) is not everyone's cup of tea but it makes me feel good. I know I have no style, I like what I like in spite of trends. Yup, still sporting my 80's throw back rat tail, and I DID get (after much wrangling) my tiny round blue eyeglasses. My hair may be various shades of purple depending on my whims and what colors are in the Big Lots clearance bin, my shoes will no doubt be clogs...yup, you can see me comin' from a mile away. But...and this is a big big but...I do try to be covered, clean and put together. My nails will be done, hair will be combed, and the 'girls' will be locked and loaded.

And then I go outside:

Let the rant begin!

Women, if you need a bra, wear a dang bra! wants to see your saggy baggy 'use to be fun bags' bouncing down the street. Look, I know better than most what a giant pain in the ass wearing a bolder holder can be, but the moss and fungi that grow under there can't be all that comfy either. If they hang to your waist then tuck them bad boys in. Also, side boobage is not and never will be attractive. And thanks to the website 'people of Walmart' I am now aware of a thing called 'Back Boobage'. Holy mother or pearl...if your back looks like you are wearing a floatation device the wrong way, you got a problem and it is not solved by wearing a halter.

Just say no to crack, in any form...back crack, butt crack, front crack...cover that up, avoid bending and buy some pants that fit! You might have had a size 32 in high school but I doubt it started at your knees. Get over yourself.

Ladies...if you need glasses, wear your dang glasses...don't put your makeup on till you can see cuz the rest of us are walking around wondering what circus just pulled in. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRAW YOUR EYEBROWS ON WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. And for god's sake check for sprouting hair in various and interesting places. Growing older means hairs show up in the most unusual areas and grey hair reflects sunlight...look, if you got hairs sprouting out of your nose either pluck em', braid em', or comb em' into a porn-stash.

Just because it fits does not mean you should wear it...yesterday I saw a lady wearing some sporty sweat pants with a cutsy word spread all across her backside...but these were like a size 2T because her gut was hanging over the top and down the front...(sorta a slow ooozing to the ground effect) she was also sporting a graphic T that must have stolen from her baby niece. Stay classy!

And...and, and, and....If you are too ding dong tired to stand upright, do not go to the store and use the carts as some impromptu walker for your upper body. What the heck is this??? I am seeing it everywhere, people all hunched over the cart like they are barley able to stand upright. I was at Hobby Lobby the other day and a YOUNG GIRL was laying on the counter waiting for her order to be rung up. Baby, if your boobs are that much of a burden, go get them trimmed back.

Look, we each have a style, even if it is no style at all...all I am saying is to not give up, try a bit harder and think of the rest of us out here in the real world that has to look at your hairy back, crusty toes or funked up finger nails.

Whew, I feel better!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

acting my age...

Whatever the hell that means, apparently it means sitting by the fireside dreaming of days gone by...nope, not me, aint gonna happen.

When the opportunity came to haul my happy azz around the track at Michigan International Speedway came up I jumped at it. I was so excited! I wanted to get out and scream around the track in my itty-bitty car with the windows down and my tunes blasting...('gonna ball tonight' by BB King and Eric Clapton) and I did by God!

What surprised me was the reactions from family and friends...
'you are gonna do what??? why? Is David going? How come? what would possess you to want to do that..." OMG! why wouldn't you??? urg!

What does my age or gender matter on doing what is fun. Personally I have no desire to jump out of a perfectly good plane, but if I did, then I would! If I want another tattoo, then I'm going for it, I got all the piercings I need, but dang it, if I wanted more I would be sporting more bling than a cheap Detroit rapper.

Life is too short to deal with regret. I learned my lesson with this big time years ago. Hubs and I went on a cruse to Mexico...snorkeling was included in the package. So off we went and I was dragging my feet the entire time. I didn't want anyone to see me in a bathing suit, I was fat and gross and thought people would make fun of me. So sitting on the beach, feeling sorry for myself I suddenly was hit with the idea that A) I didn't know these people from Adam and B) I really don't care what these people think anyway. So I got the snorkeling equipment and jumped into the water. I was surrounded with the most amazing fish, the colors were so indescribably beautiful and the water was so warm, I was in heaven! If I hadn't 'got over myself' I never would have had that experience. I decided at that point to not let any chance get away from me again.

So, while I am sorry that my family and friends spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what I am trying to do...(just living in the moment, I assure you!) I got the rest of my life to live.

Don't let yourself get talked out of enjoying all Gods wonderful gifts...sing loud and strong as often as possible, try new and exotic food, dance even if you can't...cuz (as I've said before) nothing hurts worse than regret.