Sunday, January 15, 2012

Some handy tips from the Queen.

While I know I seem to be the kind of person who has it all together it really is a challenge to keep up this fast paced lifestyle. Keeping a hunny happy, the career, the kids and a house has become such a challenge that I have developed a streamed line way to make it easy. Follow these tips and you too, can a poser like the Queen!

First and foremost...don't have kids. This cuts your work in half. Not having kids means you can eat what you like, spend your money on things need like beer and cheese cake instead of pampers and cell phones and you can use cheap shampoo. Not having kids means no car seats, baggies of cheerios and gogurt...the expensive ice cream is all yours and no one rolls their eyes at you. Its a good thing.

While pets are essential for keeping you sane, please make sure they clean themselves. Feral cats are perfect for this. Dogs are good too, as long as you get short hair ones that are already past the cute stage. After all, you need pets to clean up leftovers, bark when a leaf falls and blame farts on. They are a great excuse when you get that fugly sweater from your mother in law...who could blame fluffy for eating that lovely work of art.

Carpets are from Satan himself and should be banned from all homes. Carpets require more upkeep than an elderly relative with lots of cash and are about as grateful. Carpets catch dog hair and get stained if you look at them too hard. Make your life easier and rip them suckers out.

If you can't live in the boondocks like me, I suppose curtains are a requirement. Neighbors can be such a bother and who needs to know that you watch tv in your camo colored if you have reached maturity and decided sheets are not the adult method of window treatments, try wooden shutters...they don't need ironing, and can be nailed shut if you have wayward teenagers.

Here are some quick tips that will make you the Queen of your household.

Run the vacuume while playing marjohong...anyone listening will think you are working your delicate, well manicured nails to the bone.

Spray endust on the light bulbs so the whole house smells fresh and clean.

Place locks on the outside of bathroom doors. This keeps your precious little one inside the room till he cleans up his own freakin' mess. This works especially well if the shutters are nailed in place.

Butter dishes are trash, do not wash them, store them, and keep them for leftovers...thats what dogs and husbands are for. You have a totally different set of problems if you are keeping them as your 'good dishes'.

And finally, fabreeze is your friend, this invention will not only keep your family fresh, it cuts your laundry in half. Just a flip and a spritz and you are fresh as a daisy for another day.

I know these tips will keep you in a manner that we have all become so accustome too, and after all, you're woth it.