Saturday, November 12, 2011

Grouchy old lady rant for the day #1

Its been a while since I went off on a rampage about life, the universe and everything. So naturally, spending the morning shopping at my local K-mart my grouchy inclinations swept over me and I dang near laid some truth on the unsuspecting public.

All y'all here are the suspecting public, so there should be no surprises.

General rants associated with personal hygiene:

Ladies, when you get dressed in the morning, and you decide to rock that thong, please take a millisecond to check out your posterior. No one want to see that, not now, not when your were a hot 19 year during prohibition, not ever. Adding the generic Uggs, stained Michigan Sweats, and scrunchy is not helping.

No amount of aftershave is a replacement for deodorant...I don't care if this is your 'good stuff' you got from Avon, its not working...

Hard truth folks, if you stink. There I said it! And when you smoke and that interesting smell sits for a oh~say 8 months in your closet then you yank out that winter coat you are going to smell like a shrimp boat Captain's Jockey shorts. Considered yourself told. (fabreeze, Isle 5)

Parenting 101 according to the Queen:

If your kid is having a melt down, no amount of bribing, begging or ignoring your little precious jewel will work. You can wander down the isles looking all around and trying not to make eye contact, but that kid knows you too well and whatever lame-ass promise you made is happy meal that kid up and get out of the store!

Allowing your children to run free in any store will result in me handing little Jr. some extra strength benydryl...I carry it, its in bright appealing colors and works like a charm.

Taking your children to the toy department is cruel and unusual punishment for the others that have to hear you little bundle of joy loose his damn mind when you want to look at towels.

Christmas rant:

Oh holy crap...its way to dang early, and I know times are hard and you got to allow people to get prepared, but the music, the decorations...before Halloween...
(if only there were some way to actually predict when Christmas is coming...)I am already sick of it...

When shopping with your little special person, and you find the store all Cristmased up, using Santa and presents to threaten the kid is just stupid. I overheard one parent yesterday...(YESTERDAY) say to his 3 year old who was in the middle of a grand mal melt down...'OK, I am just telling Santa to not bring you any presents'
yeah, right, you betcha...does this every work?

And finally:

To store personnel...if I am wandering all around looking lost and forlorn, go ahead and ask if I need help...90% of the time I don't but I always appreciate you noticing me with out me having to resort to lighting my hair on fire.

yeah, its going to be a long holiday season...

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