Christmas news letter...

I've always wanted to be the kind of person to enclose a new letter in my Christmas card...you know the type...'little baby-boy is reading at a 3rd grade level and has mastered Mandarin Chinese, pretty good for a 3 month old' kinda crap. But mine would say the same thing every year. All is well, nothing going on...everyone is reasonably healthy and working.

So, here is my first ever Christmas news letter dedicated to all my loyal readers...all 3 of you.

Merry Christmas, and I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. This year I really focused on my hand made jewelry and opened a 2nd shop on Zibbet...so busy with creating new and wonderful things:

Translation: No, I still am not working, and as I live in this god forsaken state I can safely assume I will not be working in the near future unless Tractor Supply starts hiring people to hand out carts.

David is still working for the energy company...people just love their electricity, LOL. So when you look at your Christmas tree with is lovely blinking lights just remember that my hubby helped bring that joy to your family.

Translation: Hubs is still working the swing shift at that salt mine and will be working Christmas eve and Christmas day but it doesn't really matter as I didn't even put up a tree and we decided not to get each other any presents..Ho-freakin'Ho Ho Ho.

And the pets are being as playful as ever.

Translation: I'm 2 squirrel heads and a mouse face ahead of the vermin trying to gain access to the house.

And living out here in the woods at this time is so lovely, the snow and ice hanging from the branches creates such a wonderful feeling of Christmas.

Translation: That last ice storm brought down a shit-ton load of branches, knocking out the electricity for 2 days, freezing my pipes and leaving me with no other form of heat besides burning newspapers and magazines. The dogs proved a good source of residual heat. I could, however, go out and get a bucket full of snow and melt it to flush the toilet on occasion.

Its so peaceful out here, giving me a lot of time to enjoy my crafts, read and commune with nature.

Translation: every morning, up at the crack of noon, watch some Judge Judy and piddle around till I decide some time this week I should actually get dressed. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put the mail box way the flock out at the road, now I gotta find some shoes so I can schlep out to the box to get my 97 credit card offers and a Christmas card from the gas company.

So, to all my friends and family, I wish you the warmest of Holiday cheer, a time of peace and fellowship and a new year of full of Happiness.

Translation: So, to all my friends and family, I wish you the warmest of Holiday cheer, a time of peace and fellowship and a new year of full of Happiness. Now bugger off!

Craft shows, not for the faint of heart.

I did a craft show last weekend and while it seems like a lot of sitting around it is a lot of work. Its a huge undertaking for me just to be pleasant for that long of time, not to mention paying attention, sounding interested and making eye contact. I use to do shows once in a while back in the 80's and now I remember why I stopped. People are so dang...interesting...they either say some of the most unkind, profoundly stupid things, want to know your secrets on what glue you use, flat out ask how you do things, complain of the price, talk about your table as though you are not there or ask to take a picture of your work so they can make their own.

Here is a sample of comments from last weeks show...

'you know, if you would have used swarski crystals and real stone beads on this necklace ($12) I would have bought it...' (so would have I)

'some lady said there was a table full of junk, I figure it must be you...'

'so how do you know what to stick to other things...hell, I got a drawer full of junk I can glue together too...'

'but these are just buttons??????'

(overheard comment by 2 tweens) 'my mom loves this kind of crap'

(whispered to me over the table) 'do you have a card, I am looking for people to be at my history show and this kinda works...' why is this a secret?

'you didn't actually use a REAL POSTAGE STAMP!!!!!!!! I COLLECT STAMPS AND THAT IS JUST WRONG!!!!'...calm down Lady, it was on last years Christmas card.

lady thrusting a necklace back to me...'this isn't a REAL vintage picture is it???, you ruined it you know!!!...jeeze lady take a pill, I scanned it...

and my all time favorite:
'what...the...fuck...is this????'

I think my next show will include a thermos of Baileys.

There were a lot of people who spent a long time looking at my display, trying to figure out what it was and commenting on how creative it was. That makes up for all the dumb crap that people say.

And frankly, what else am I gonna do with the stuff...

so look for me sitting behind my table, with my giant sippy cup filled with Baileys and a smidge of coffee, a goofy grin on my face, watching the clock till I can haul my stuff home to do it all again at another church or school.

I heart you all but...

tis the season of good will towards all man(kind) and I want to be apart of that, I really do...but dang it...

when I get a robo call from the Salvation Army at dinner time I get a bit annoyed...

when I hear stories from Black Friday of people going absolutely bat-crap crazy in wal-mart...WALMART!

when commercials on tv promote all that is horrible and selfish (ebay commercial where the girl insults all her relatives for not giving her gifts she is 'feeling')

when they sneak a mini commercial in an episode of HOUSE...scene: 2 dr. driving down the road, one says something like...' and my car actually senses when I am driving too fast on a curve and automatically slows down'...pan to logo on front of car, yup, its FORD, a sponsor of the show...

I have to take a step back and rethink this holiday season...

am I suppose to feel guilty if I think buying a child anything with an I in the title is stupid.

am I the only one who feels totally manipulated into thinking there is something wrong with me because I don't have fabulous holiday parties, surprise the hubs with a new car (with the obligatory big ass bow)and likewise, is he suppose to dazzle me with diamonds (well...)

I heart all y'all, but people...we got to do better!

what I believe

Since the is the beginning of the holiday seasons, I would like to reflect on what I believe. These beliefs stem from years of observation and are based on my reality alone. That's the nature of belief, they differ from each person and are as individual as our own personalities.

I believe:
the chance of a neighbor stopping by or a fed-ex delivery increases 100 fold if you are waiting for the color to set on your hair, just got into the bath or that 'corectol' has finally kicked in.

I believe:
we, as a collective society have lost our damn minds...watch any black Friday new report and witness the people sleeping in tents to be first in line at the local home improvement store and you too will be wondering who pee'd in our grandparents gene pool.

I believe:
we are raising a generation of carbon based life forms who will not be able to find their ass with both hands in a house of mirrors unless they can google the instructions.

I believe:
spending hours slaving over a hot stove making food from 'scratch' is about as fulfilling as crocheting your own under ware. Sure, you can do it but why?

I believe:
buying the t-shirt at Wal-mart that says "I love America" but was made in Pakistan is Karma's way of saying...'sure you do'.

I believe:
I want to go to dog heaven

I believe:
playing mahjong at 9:30 am doesn't necessarily make you a lazy bag of scum...staying in bed, watching cartoons with a lap top propped up on your beer gut playing mahjong at 9:30 am does.

I believe:
in the rights of free speech...this does not include your child screaming at the top of his lungs in the theater, restaurant, or within 500 feet of me.

I believe:
kids were more well rounded when there were only 3 channels and at some point you HAD to watch the news.

I believe:
I am out of coffee, getting a bit cranky and need a nap.

Happy Holidays: Gentlemen, start your shopping carts!

Giving Thanks

Today, on this day of reflecting and giving thanks, I thought I would depart from the usual kvetching and moaning and make a list of the things I am truly grateful for.

Spellcheck
wheels on luggage
fabreeze...well any order eliminating device
thera-flu
social media that has brought back to me so many friends, created new ones and gave me an entire new outlet for tasteless jokes
cheap hair dye
gas station cappuccino
BBC America
the Internet
opi nail polish, especially nail envy
the cheap carpet in my office, so I don't have to freak out every time I see the dogs do the butt-scoot boogie on it
Baileys
Terry Pratchett and his entire alternative universe
oldies stations
Orange Milano cookies
those teeny-tiny packs of toothpicks you get at some restaurants
the Amish, for making me feel better about my life
my pets
NPR
deep discount stores like "Tuesday Morning" and "Big-Lots"
McDonalds Ice Coffee
doughnuts
dental floss
not wearing panti hose
my teachers who didn't expect much ~ I lived up to your expectations
E600
garage sales. estate sales, 2nd hand stores and rummage sales
stores that carry big giant bras
the cooking channels
audio.com
microwave popcorn
my big-gass truck and my itty-bitty barbie car
tylenol pm
the hubs's work...well, hell the HUBS too!
digital cameras...(I still have rolls of film in the fridge to use up)
friends, friends of friends and their friends who 'like' me on face book
coffee pots with only one button
living in the boon-docks
my customers, fans and people who generally 'get' what I am trying to do
family...mostly
people who work for the good of others...nurses, police, firefighters, volunteer staff at shelters (people and animal) nursing assistants, vets and their staff, and anyone who can put aside common sense and let their heart rule.

This is just a partial list of all the things I am truly grateful for, and throughout the day I will be thinking of things I should have added...but for now I will wander around looking for another cup of coffee and be really grateful for going to a restaurant on this thanksgiving day!

Grouchy old lady rant for the day #1

Its been a while since I went off on a rampage about life, the universe and everything. So naturally, spending the morning shopping at my local K-mart my grouchy inclinations swept over me and I dang near laid some truth on the unsuspecting public.

All y'all here are the suspecting public, so there should be no surprises.

General rants associated with personal hygiene:

Ladies, when you get dressed in the morning, and you decide to rock that thong, please take a millisecond to check out your posterior. No one want to see that, not now, not when your were a hot 19 year during prohibition, not ever. Adding the generic Uggs, stained Michigan Sweats, and scrunchy is not helping.

No amount of aftershave is a replacement for deodorant...I don't care if this is your 'good stuff' you got from Avon, its not working...

Hard truth folks, if you smoke...you stink. There I said it! And when you smoke and that interesting smell sits for a while...like oh~say 8 months in your closet then you yank out that winter coat you are going to smell like a shrimp boat Captain's Jockey shorts. Considered yourself told. (fabreeze, Isle 5)

Parenting 101 according to the Queen:

If your kid is having a melt down, no amount of bribing, begging or ignoring your little precious jewel will work. You can wander down the isles looking all around and trying not to make eye contact, but that kid knows you too well and whatever lame-ass promise you made is happening...so happy meal that kid up and get out of the store!

Allowing your children to run free in any store will result in me handing little Jr. some extra strength benydryl...I carry it, its in bright appealing colors and works like a charm.

Taking your children to the toy department is cruel and unusual punishment for the others that have to hear you little bundle of joy loose his damn mind when you want to look at towels.

Christmas rant:

Oh holy crap...its way to dang early, and I know times are hard and you got to allow people to get prepared, but the music, the decorations...before Halloween...
(if only there were some way to actually predict when Christmas is coming...)I am already sick of it...

When shopping with your little special person, and you find the store all Cristmased up, using Santa and presents to threaten the kid is just stupid. I overheard one parent yesterday...(YESTERDAY) say to his 3 year old who was in the middle of a grand mal melt down...'OK, I am just telling Santa to not bring you any presents'
yeah, right, you betcha...does this every work?

And finally:

To store personnel...if I am wandering all around looking lost and forlorn, go ahead and ask if I need help...90% of the time I don't but I always appreciate you noticing me with out me having to resort to lighting my hair on fire.

yeah, its going to be a long holiday season...

Keeping ahead.

Back when I had a job and was in the public I felt this way about every day. Deadlines, meetings, approval of designs, communications, misunderstandings, failures and outright screw-ups...I was barely (heehehe) keeping ahead of the curve. Add in airports, carrier strikes, power outages, jacked up weather, jacked up bosses and general mayhem ~ it all added to the stress of a corporate living.

People didn't know what they wanted but would 'know it when they saw it'...especially if another company was very successful with the same item. Making something similar without crossing the copyright line was a challenge at best. Trade shows, product development meetings, and a healthy amount of schmoozing that went on only added to the mix.

Gawd, I miss it...

Now, I get up...tend the dogs, dink around and generally try to say busy.

Relevant, not so much~

Leaving the corporate mainstream (not by choice I might add) has gave me some perks though:

It allows me to pursue other forms of revenue generating opportunities (yeahsureyoubetcha)

My laundry day is cut in half

I can't remember the last time I wore real shoes

Shopping has gone from high end malls to local thrift shops

I get to experience the excitement of the social media phenomenon

I can finally stop glowing in the dark from all the excess radiation I was getting at airports

I get to cook...yippee

and clean...yippee Skippie

and enjoy day time judge shows...(go Judge Judy!)

I finally unpacked the last of my luggage and have used up all the teeny-tiny bottles of shampoo stolen from hotels all across the world.

Yeah, I am a home bound crafter with 2 online shops and spend my days gluing stuff to stuff...don't get me wrong, I love what I am doing, but just for old times sake, I would love the make that mad dash through the Atlanta airport diving into the train just as the doors close and feel the rush of the deadline again.