images

We all have idealized images of ourselves. The ones we think we look like versus the ones that we really look like. You know the ones...the pictures we delete, the group shots taken by someone else that make you cringe...drivers licenses pictures. Those are not us.

Nope, we think we look good when sporting that new $3 big-lots dye job or Dollar General track suit.

We insist that our comfy bra is fine even though the 'girls' are hanging in your lap and your shoulders have permanent dents.

And blue eye shadow was all over the runway in Paris last year.

Jeans that double as tourniquets are fine...

and that diaper bag from the 80's is a perfect solution for a purse.

Yeah, we can rock both mini's and platforms as long as walking and sitting is not involved, and lets not forget the cutesy T-shirt from back when we were groupies for the local country band that use to play at the bar...the one that burned down 20 years ago...

and then you go to the store and get given the senior discount without being asked

AARP are the only stalkers you have

your wardrobe is considered vintage

kids ask you about the good old days back in the 70's

you remember things like cassette tapes, film for cameras and rotary phones...and realize you still use all those things.

and then it hits you...

you aint cute anymore, at best you hope for handsome with flashes of long lost beauty...no one is 'carding' you again... ever, and the only thing you have to look forward to be being one of those wacky old ladies who bungee jump on their 80th birthday.

Suck it up, nothing anyone can do...own your age, dress like you want and be happy.
And if you can't be happy, go for wacky.

Images of love.

As yet another holiday approaches I am thinking about the concept of true love.

Interesting how it changes and evolves as the time goes by. When I was a kid on the playground I thought true love was when a boy socked you in the arm and ran away. Later it was when a boy returned your call, or sat by you at the football game. Later still it was spending money on you and remembering stupid made up anniversaries.

Now, after being married for 32 years it amounts to helping with the dishes, putting laundry away and bringing home ice cream.

Yeah, true love can take many forms...

holding your purse while you shop
holding your hair while you puke
eating that dinner you know was terrible
wiping out the sink
pumping your gas
having pancakes for dinner
calling before coming home to see if you need anything
gagging down Italian sausage on the pizza cuz I know you like it

Back in the day it might have been fabulous birthday presents and expensive dinners, now its more like fast food and a night of tv.

Or grabbing the vacuum and sucking up them tumbleweed sized dog hair clumps,
leaving the last 'little debbie' or cleaning up the fur balls instead of pointing them out for me to do it.

But mostly its being BFF's forever. It's when you look at that other person and know in your heart of hearts that you want to stab them with a fork in the throat as well as spend the rest of your life with them. That my friends is true love.

Some handy tips from the Queen.

While I know I seem to be the kind of person who has it all together it really is a challenge to keep up this fast paced lifestyle. Keeping a hunny happy, the career, the kids and a house has become such a challenge that I have developed a streamed line way to make it easy. Follow these tips and you too, can a poser like the Queen!

First and foremost...don't have kids. This cuts your work in half. Not having kids means you can eat what you like, spend your money on things need like beer and cheese cake instead of pampers and cell phones and you can use cheap shampoo. Not having kids means no car seats, baggies of cheerios and gogurt...the expensive ice cream is all yours and no one rolls their eyes at you. Its a good thing.

While pets are essential for keeping you sane, please make sure they clean themselves. Feral cats are perfect for this. Dogs are good too, as long as you get short hair ones that are already past the cute stage. After all, you need pets to clean up leftovers, bark when a leaf falls and blame farts on. They are a great excuse when you get that fugly sweater from your mother in law...who could blame fluffy for eating that lovely work of art.

Carpets are from Satan himself and should be banned from all homes. Carpets require more upkeep than an elderly relative with lots of cash and are about as grateful. Carpets catch dog hair and get stained if you look at them too hard. Make your life easier and rip them suckers out.

If you can't live in the boondocks like me, I suppose curtains are a requirement. Neighbors can be such a bother and who needs to know that you watch tv in your camo colored snuggie...so if you have reached maturity and decided sheets are not the adult method of window treatments, try wooden shutters...they don't need ironing, and can be nailed shut if you have wayward teenagers.

Here are some quick tips that will make you the Queen of your household.

Run the vacuume while playing marjohong...anyone listening will think you are working your delicate, well manicured nails to the bone.

Spray endust on the light bulbs so the whole house smells fresh and clean.

Place locks on the outside of bathroom doors. This keeps your precious little one inside the room till he cleans up his own freakin' mess. This works especially well if the shutters are nailed in place.

Butter dishes are trash, do not wash them, store them, and keep them for leftovers...thats what dogs and husbands are for. You have a totally different set of problems if you are keeping them as your 'good dishes'.

And finally, fabreeze is your friend, this invention will not only keep your family fresh, it cuts your laundry in half. Just a flip and a spritz and you are fresh as a daisy for another day.

I know these tips will keep you in a manner that we have all become so accustome too, and after all, you're woth it.

new years resolutions

well, that first one about not procrastinating is not going as well as planned...

But, onward and upward. This year has already offered me a chance to really spend time exploring my creativity. And while that sounds wonderful and uplifting, it basically means I have given up trying to find 'real' work and am now going to start crocheting pot holders and apple cozies.

There are some things I am going to make a concentrated effort to change. Really...honest.

Like:

I am going to stop sitting around in my housecoat all day telling myself I am saving the planet by decreasing the amount of laundry I do each week (month, year).

When the Fed-Ex guy shows up at 4:30 and I am still in my jammies, I am going to stop wrapping my head in a towel so he thinks I just got out of the shower.

I am going to stop eating fudge for breakfast..
I am sleeping in till 11:30 so I can eat fudge for brunch.

I am going to wait until after Judge Joe but before Judge Judy to start the daily Marjong marathons.

I will learn to text.

I will learn to use the DVR without throwing the remote against the wall...again.

I will cook...occasionally...at knife point...

I am decreasing my intake of gas station cappuccinos in favor of nice refreshing water...but as soon as it stops snowing, all bets are off.

and hopefully, I will stop neglecting this blog...
but don't bet on it.

happy New year, and happy Friday the 13th.

Christmas for the unmotivated

I am trying, I really am, to cultivate a good natured christmas feeling that warms the heart and cheers the soul. But somehow, it aint happining.

I'd like to blame the corporate big-wigs who seem determined to suck every last vestige of sentiment out of the holiday by starting the non stop christmas music before November...or the shops who put up their christmas decorations right after Labor day...or the snarky 'in your face' commertials extolling greed and guilt.

But I think its just me...I don't bake, I don't decorate, I don't have office parties (working at home sucks!). So all those thousands of christmas commertials are lost on me.

And this year the hubs and I decided not to get each other anything for the holidays as we already have just about everything two carbon based life forms can use. Last year I gave him a toothbrush and some razors, and he got me candy...yeah, we are done. So there is no reason to inflict that special joy of 'christmas shopping' on myself. I will say, it will feel very weird to wake up on Christmas morning to nothing...but he will be working so I guess I will just stay in bed with a good book.

At some point I will bake a cake to take to his sisters for dinner later in the day...he will be the zombie-like idiot sitting in the corner trying to be 'merry' on about 3 hours sleep...yippie.

So, I hope everyone else is having a much better holiday season than I am...next year I think I will haul my behind to some island and drink Mai-Tai's till ground hog day.

Christmas news letter...

I've always wanted to be the kind of person to enclose a new letter in my Christmas card...you know the type...'little baby-boy is reading at a 3rd grade level and has mastered Mandarin Chinese, pretty good for a 3 month old' kinda crap. But mine would say the same thing every year. All is well, nothing going on...everyone is reasonably healthy and working.

So, here is my first ever Christmas news letter dedicated to all my loyal readers...all 3 of you.

Merry Christmas, and I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. This year I really focused on my hand made jewelry and opened a 2nd shop on Zibbet...so busy with creating new and wonderful things:

Translation: No, I still am not working, and as I live in this god forsaken state I can safely assume I will not be working in the near future unless Tractor Supply starts hiring people to hand out carts.

David is still working for the energy company...people just love their electricity, LOL. So when you look at your Christmas tree with is lovely blinking lights just remember that my hubby helped bring that joy to your family.

Translation: Hubs is still working the swing shift at that salt mine and will be working Christmas eve and Christmas day but it doesn't really matter as I didn't even put up a tree and we decided not to get each other any presents..Ho-freakin'Ho Ho Ho.

And the pets are being as playful as ever.

Translation: I'm 2 squirrel heads and a mouse face ahead of the vermin trying to gain access to the house.

And living out here in the woods at this time is so lovely, the snow and ice hanging from the branches creates such a wonderful feeling of Christmas.

Translation: That last ice storm brought down a shit-ton load of branches, knocking out the electricity for 2 days, freezing my pipes and leaving me with no other form of heat besides burning newspapers and magazines. The dogs proved a good source of residual heat. I could, however, go out and get a bucket full of snow and melt it to flush the toilet on occasion.

Its so peaceful out here, giving me a lot of time to enjoy my crafts, read and commune with nature.

Translation: every morning, up at the crack of noon, watch some Judge Judy and piddle around till I decide some time this week I should actually get dressed. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put the mail box way the flock out at the road, now I gotta find some shoes so I can schlep out to the box to get my 97 credit card offers and a Christmas card from the gas company.

So, to all my friends and family, I wish you the warmest of Holiday cheer, a time of peace and fellowship and a new year of full of Happiness.

Translation: So, to all my friends and family, I wish you the warmest of Holiday cheer, a time of peace and fellowship and a new year of full of Happiness. Now bugger off!

Craft shows, not for the faint of heart.

I did a craft show last weekend and while it seems like a lot of sitting around it is a lot of work. Its a huge undertaking for me just to be pleasant for that long of time, not to mention paying attention, sounding interested and making eye contact. I use to do shows once in a while back in the 80's and now I remember why I stopped. People are so dang...interesting...they either say some of the most unkind, profoundly stupid things, want to know your secrets on what glue you use, flat out ask how you do things, complain of the price, talk about your table as though you are not there or ask to take a picture of your work so they can make their own.

Here is a sample of comments from last weeks show...

'you know, if you would have used swarski crystals and real stone beads on this necklace ($12) I would have bought it...' (so would have I)

'some lady said there was a table full of junk, I figure it must be you...'

'so how do you know what to stick to other things...hell, I got a drawer full of junk I can glue together too...'

'but these are just buttons??????'

(overheard comment by 2 tweens) 'my mom loves this kind of crap'

(whispered to me over the table) 'do you have a card, I am looking for people to be at my history show and this kinda works...' why is this a secret?

'you didn't actually use a REAL POSTAGE STAMP!!!!!!!! I COLLECT STAMPS AND THAT IS JUST WRONG!!!!'...calm down Lady, it was on last years Christmas card.

lady thrusting a necklace back to me...'this isn't a REAL vintage picture is it???, you ruined it you know!!!...jeeze lady take a pill, I scanned it...

and my all time favorite:
'what...the...fuck...is this????'

I think my next show will include a thermos of Baileys.

There were a lot of people who spent a long time looking at my display, trying to figure out what it was and commenting on how creative it was. That makes up for all the dumb crap that people say.

And frankly, what else am I gonna do with the stuff...

so look for me sitting behind my table, with my giant sippy cup filled with Baileys and a smidge of coffee, a goofy grin on my face, watching the clock till I can haul my stuff home to do it all again at another church or school.